No one reads.

I'm just really envious of people who dares to tell others their blog's url.
I don't know why, but I just really don't dare to tell... well, my blog's url to my friends.
3-5 people, perhaps. And they're my closest friends.
More than 5?
I doubt I can do it.
I don't know, it's just like... there's this wall separating me from all of them.
I just can't seem to push myself in, join in the fun.
I just can't seem to walk in to their circle and /be/ part of it.
Lack of confidence, perhaps.

I'm just really scared of people's opinion of me.
I shall be frank.
I can't take criticisms well.
Narrow-minded?
Petty?
Well, it's not that... it's just that, I don't want people to hate me or dislike me.
I've seen too many of such cases and I don't wanna be like those who I've seen.
It certainly doesn't feel good at all. And I don't wanna get hurt.
Let's just say, I'm really dependent on people...
If I'm hated by people, who can I count on?
Who can I pour my troubles out to?
Who... just, who will be there?
I'm a worrier. If there's such word.

I know I sounded really selfish when I said I need people to be there for me.
But I said that confidently knowing that /I/, myself, will be there for them if they ever need me.
Well, but let's be frank...
In this harsh society, everyone needs friends.
Yeah, family will always be there for you, that's always true...
but, in the outside world?
You'll need friends.
And for me, my outside world = school.
I can't survive without friends, seriously.
I can't stand walking to school alone.
I can't stand being in class alone.
Because it scares me.
It really does.
It just seems as though people are all looking at me with eyes that smiles in a... negative way.
People who're talking within themselves always seems to be, in my eyes, talking about me.
People who're laughing and just happens to look at my direction, the thought of " They must be saying something about me, that's why they laughed. Did I do something stupid? Or..." just straightaway rush into my mind, like as though I really did do something stupid.

I try my best to cover up my bad points. I try my best not to be in anyone's blacklist.
Sometimes, I try so hard that I don't even know if this is the real me.
It's suffocating, it's terrible.
I'm just really afraid of not being accepted for who I am...
I know, friends'd probably be offended by what I've written... because it sounds like I've no trust in anyone.
But please, forgive me, for I'm really... really afraid.
I've seen so many of these things happening that I'm afraid I might be one of them someday.
But I know true friends never judge.
I've true friends.
For that, I'm glad.

I really need you guys.
Because... I don't know...
without you guys, I don't know what will happen to me.
Without you all, I'll never be who I am today. ( CORNY LA.)
and my family, of course, I love them.
They gave me a chance to love, cherish and a chance to know you all.
And they are always there for me.
I don't know...
words can't explain just how grateful and touched by just a simple " What happened?" from people who cares about me.

Starting from my Dad, whenever he sees me looking sad ( even if I'm not ), he will ask, in Chinese, " Fa sheng she me shi? gen peng you chao jia ah?"
Man, I need tissues.
I don't know... it's like... I've always been so naughty and I even talk back... but... in my lowest point of my life, my Dad's there. A sentence of concern, or even just a word, will make you burst out in tears even if you've been trying so damn hard to keep the tears from flowing down.
I'm never good in words. I'm never good at expressing how I feel...
But... I don't know... tears are like making my vision blur now.. damn it.
I love you, Dad.

Next, my brother.
We quarrel, we fight, we stopped talking to each other whenever a quarrel gets serious. Butstill, nothing can break the bond we have cultivated ( o.o ) for 16 years as siblings.
Whenever I cry, or whenever he sees me cry, he will say... " ku lai zuo mo? she me dou ku ku ku." I don't know la, but to me, it's rather embarrassing to have parents and siblings see you crying.
My bro has his way of comforting people. And in my case or so it seems to me, he simply doesn't seem to care. Yeah, it's like, what the heck.
But, I must say, our gan qing is quite okay la. We don't have really serious quarrels, we don't fight, 'cause mainly he's either using the computer or talking on the phone... and me, watching television. So we've nothing to quarrel about.
But he's responsible. He helps me ta pao food. 'Cause I'm simply too lazy to go downstairs. At least, he cares la.

Next Next.
H.A.R.P.L.Y
This group of girls ( excluding Liyana, 'cause sec3 then know her. xD ) , made me cry on a day which I can't remember, in secondary 2 eoy holidays.
Why?
BECAUSE WE WERE ALL SEPARATED TO DIFFERENT CLASSES.
and god knows HOW MUCH I MISS THEM. 'Though I get to see them like, almost everyday.
Still, times and memories we shared will keep me sane. (:
There're more memories waiting for us to create!
eh, it's like turning into a romance novel or something.
I love you guys. (:

Next Next Next.
Kuan Ting, xiong di forever, remember? hahaha.
Leos, short-hairstyles, same bags, roughly the same height ( 1 or 2 cm difference ONLYYY.), loves Jacky Cheung, gets crazy together, laugh like crazy everytime we goof around.
'Nuff said. (:
Not enough, actually.
Hm, if I say... something mushy like... " I'M SO GLAD I MET YOU! FRIENDS FOREVERRR!!"
it'll still be an understatement to how glad I actually am, to be able to meet you, know you, and be friends like now. (:
You're always there for me, supporting me, stand by me, stand up for me, scold others for me, ( lawl@ that. ), giving me advice, making me laugh... and everything..
I cherish it. Really.
'Though I can't say it in person ( you know exactly how it feels like. xD ), I'd like to say that, what I've written here are things I'd really love and wish to say in person.
But just couldn't do it.
So, please forgive and hopefully, forget. xDD
Thanks alot. For everything.
I'm willing to be your golden retriever. AHAHA. (:


Alright, I'm done with this post.
And I've no idea how " I just couldn't seem to tell people my blog url." can turn out ending this way. Random, much?
(:
Cheerios.